BEEN A WHILE, HUH, READERS? ...

I would be a liar if I told you that I read all of my blogs. I don't. I vent, and then a week later I write again... or three moths later, six months later, or a year later.

The thing is this:

I wanted to start a blog so that I could perhaps find other people out there in the world that have felt the same way I did at certain points in my life. But, unfortunately the only way blogs can give that satisfaction to you is if you literally keep a daily journal of your life.

But that's not who I am.

I am lazy and extremely unorganized and my mind wanders.

I'll write an entry in April of one year, and then the next entry I write will be in February of the next... as though I am still stuck in that April of the previous year and still fixated on those same meaningful and meaningless folks of the previous year of my life.

I'm not quite sure how I would describe myself if one would ask me to.

Perhaps I would describe myself with a one syllable-word if it were my father asking me.

I am certain that I would describe myself with a three syllable-word if it were my mother.

If my sister asked me... I would be surprised altogether,

If my brother, John asked me, my retort would be, "...stay away from me."

If my brother, Mikey were to ask me to describe myself...

I would ask him to tell me what I am to him.


I once was dependent on my dad.
I once looked up to my brothers.
I once tried to be my sister's equal.
My mother was, for the most part not in the picture,
And so for the most part,
(Yes, I am sad.)

I didn't finish high school.
I left my home town when I was sixteen.
I spent the rest of my years
trying to get close with older men
that really only felt sorry for me.

I was jealous of their ex-girlfriends
because they were prettier
and more successful than me.

I ruined each relationship
While each of those relationships ruined me.

So...

Who am I NOW?
Who am I going to,
or even supposed to be?

I am an individual with a past...
with feelings.

My name is Stanzi.
I am ME.